You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.
Word Perfect
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows 95, we made a big step forward.
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name"?
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
White chocolate
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
When you can read this, you don't need a spectacle!
What does 'erasing of hard drive in progress' mean?
We put the "K" in "Kwality."
We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another drink.
We come in to this world screaming, naked, and covered in blood. If you live your life right, that sort of fun doesn't have to end there...
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Twelve-ounce pound cake
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Truthful tabloids
Tight slacks
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
This isn't brain surgery. It's just television.
They say a computer is a "stupid" thing. If so: how about the user of it?
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The name is Baud... James Baud.
The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is "So what?"
The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.
The man in the room with the best breeding is the one who makes the most people comfortable.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
The best thing about programming standards is that there are so many to choose from!
The best proof of intelligent life in space is that they have never tried to contact us.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
Terribly pleased
Temporary tax increase
Taped live
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Sweet sorrow
Suggest we beam ensign Crusher into deep-space, captain. OK, make it so.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Soviet Union
Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Software documentation
Soft rock
Social security
Small crowd
Silent scream
Sex... the pleasure is momentry, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Service station
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
Same difference
Resident alien
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Republican Party
Religious tolerance
Religious Right
Reagan memoirs
Rap music
Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days - but left to itself it'll hang on for a week.
Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Professional wrestling
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press [ESC] to detonate, or any other key to explode
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Postal service
Post Modern
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Political science
Plastic silverware
Plastic glasses
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%.
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
People are very open-minded about new things 窶 as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Peace force
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Passive aggression
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Paramedics are the ones who jump out of helicopters with parachutes.
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Original copy
Only dead people are cool...
Once upon a time, I had a good girl. Once upon a girl, I had a good time...
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
Old news
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather than illumination.
Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think.
Not only does God play dice with the universe, but sometimes he throws them where they cannot be seen.
NOT A VALID CENTURY
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
No brains is total freedom!
New York culture
New York culture
New classic
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Near miss
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs...
Murphy's law: keep something for years, finally throw it away, the day after you will need it.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Microsoft Works
Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Marriage councellor
Make love not war - marry and do both.
Mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
Madness isn't bad, as long as there's method in it.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
Loose tights
Living dead
Live sucks, school sucks, work sucks, women suck. Lets hope at least THEY do a good job at it.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you.
Jumbo shrimp
Job security
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titantic and 200 million to make a movie about it!
Is this seat empty? Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Is this seat empty? Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an UFO? No, it's a 136-speed CD-rom!
Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
In the future: PC: "Are you sure you want to delete?" User: "Well, I don't know. What do you think?"
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong.
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If God wanted us to be naked, we would have been born that way!
If cookies were made with chocolate I would accept them always.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definately isn't for you...
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that proves you tried.
I've heard reports that say Viagra has some side effects, like causing blurred vision. Damn, this pill keeps getting better and better...
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally...
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up somewhere on tape.
I have four brain cells left, and at the moment, they seem to be arguing.
I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
I didn't have the time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
How do you want to crash today?
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Holy war
Holland world football team has to play in Toulouse (France), so now it's... 'to lose or not to lose'
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
Half naked
Half full
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Government organization
Government organization
Golf fashion
God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Girls say: "Nice to meet boy in park." Boys say: "Nice to park meat in girl."
Genuine imitation
Gambling is a tax on stupidity.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Friendly fire
Fresh frozen
Freezer burn
Foolproof instructions
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
First Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Exxon cleanup
Experiments should be reproducible, they should all fail in the same way.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have a film.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated.
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Docking tankers involves berth control.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Diet ice cream
Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was hijacked? Police are looking for 12 hardened criminals.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Country music
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no mercy.
Computer security
Common courtesy
Coka Cola was originally green.
Clearly misunderstood
Clean coal
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
Childproof
CAUTION! I drive like you!
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Canada: A few acres of snow.
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
C:¥ONGRTLNS.W95 Congratulations Windows 95
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Butt Head
But what ... is it good for?
Business ethics
Bug Fix
British fashion
BREAKFAST.COM halted - cereal port not responding
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Beaucractic efficiencies
Beam me up... arrgh, no carrier!
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000.
American history
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence whithout civilization in between.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Alone together
Almost exactly
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All excellent thing are as difficult as they are rare.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All cats are gray in the dark.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Airline Food
Airline Food
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Advanced BASIC
Advanced BASIC
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Act naturally
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it.
A man's homeland is wherever he prospers.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fly without wings... would it be called a walk?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A book? I allready got one.
A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money!
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
"Bother," said Poo, and deleted Windows.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
What's another word for synonym?
What is the speed of dark?
No RISC, no fun!
Microsoft Windows - Who Do You Have To Blow Today?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
C:¥ONGRTLNS.W95
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Delegating work works, provided the one delegating work works too.
Three things matter in a speech: who says it, how he says it, and what he says, and of the three, the last matters least.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Consumers are statistics. Customers are people.
Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?
I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
It is all one to me if a man comes from Sing Sing or Harvard. We hire a man, not a history.
Capitalism without capital is just an ism.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been controlling and dominant.
Business is a game, the greatest game in the world if you know how to play it.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Poetry can communicate before it is understood.
I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Don't get mad, get even.
Design flaws travel in groups.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving an income tax refund.
The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else.
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
This computer will self-destruct in five minutes.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
How you look depends on where you go.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Two wrongs do not make a right: It usually takes three or more.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Murphy's 2nd Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages.)
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.
He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
There are no secrets better kept than the secret everybody guesses.
Truth exists, only falsehood has to be invented.
Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows?
No opium-smoking in the elevators.
Trust me - I know what I'm doing.
Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes?
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
Physics is experience, arranged in economical order.
The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
Sex is hereditary - If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
Man is free at the moment he wishes to be.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Crime is the ultimate tax on enterprise. It must be reduced or eliminated before poor people can fully share in the American dream.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm stupid.
Never be too critical of anything you have received as a gift. The condition of a horse's teeth is a good guide to its age. If a man needs a horse and is offered one for nothing, he should not examine its teeth too closely before accepting it.
Do not choose your wife at a dance, but in the field among the harvesters.
Start planning your second career while you're still on your first one.
Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.
Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all.
Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
I don't think a man can ever leave his business. He ought to think of it by day and dream of it by night.
Live fast, die young, have a beautiful corpse.
Beat a woman with a hammer and you'll make gold.
Do as we say, and not as we do.
If you want to get on in this world, make many promises, but don't keep them.
"Moof!" said Clarus, the dogcow.
Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.
It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!!!
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
I'd explain it to you... but your brain would explode.
There cannot be a crisis today - my schedule is already full.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
If you want to judge a man, take a look at his enemies.
To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad.
Do well and you will have no need for ancestors.
Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.
Be careful what you show - and what you don't show.
The best way to apply fragrance... is to spray it into the air... and walk into it.
I was going to buy a copy of The Power Of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: "What the hell good would that do?"
We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
If your parents didn't have any children, there is a good chance you won't have any.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety窶吐ive now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
The sun will set without thy assistance.
Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.
If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.
The only thing I can't stand is discomfort.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
I don't want any yes窶杜en around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
I learned the way a monkey learns - by watching its parents.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow.
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
I can believe anything, provided it is incredible.
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
I know God will not give me anyting I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward.
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Inflation is taxation without legislation.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
It's easy to criticize, it's like shooting fish in a barrel.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I am beginning to believe it.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job. It's a depression when you lose your own.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Ordinary people merely think how they shall spend their time. A man of talent tries to use it.
Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of an intelligent effort.
It is a great day in our lives when we realize that we are not the general manager of the universe.
Every style that is not boring is good.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Transistor: A sibling opposite of transbrother.
The six steps in a project: 1) Unbounded enthusiasm 2) Total disillusionment 3) Panic 4) Frantic search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
The headache: The most popular form of birth control.
The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Terminal: What most people have to be before they see a doctor.
Software: Typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast with hardware.
Show interest in the future: You're going going to spend the rest of your life there.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Semi-conductor: A person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from director's school.
ROM: A RAM after a delicate operation.
RAM: A male sheep.
Program: What commercials try to do to us.
Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Online: A statement shouted at tennis judges in response to serves being called out.
Narrow-minded: Possessing the ability to see through a keyhole with both eyes.
Murphy's Military Laws: The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy's Military Laws: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Moral: design before you implement.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Megahertz: A very large car rental agency.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, the facts must be disposed of.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
Life is like an onion: You peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Jone's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Interface: The opposite of "Get out of my face."
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think they'll hate you.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.
Helpless: Owning a sick goldfish.
Hardware: Typically boots, leather, and chains. Contrast with software.
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Gravity doesn't exist: The earth sucks.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
FIFO: Common name for a dog.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.
Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Experiments should be reproducable: they should all fail in the same way.
Error: Something only humans can commit.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Debug: The act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature.
Cursor: An expert in four-letter words.
CRT: A movie about a little alien who forgets his telephone number and must write home.
Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's First Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
CPU: A juvenile way of telling your dog he missed the paper.
Command: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel in control.
Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.
Code: Virus lasting about three to five days, accompanied by sore throat, runny nose, and fever.
Chip: Any number of small crunchy objects, often served with onion dip.
Character Density: The number of very wierd people in the office.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take only twice as long.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Byte: A mouthful, as in "How many bytes in a Big Mac?"
Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "Vacuum tube".
Bit: Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful. See byte.
Bipolar: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York.
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.
Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
The Programmers' Cheer: Shift to the left, Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, Byte, Byte, Byte!
I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.
Q's Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.
Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Skip's Lament: Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains it pours.
Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Lord Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Crane's Law: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.
Murphy's 7th Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's 6th Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's 5th Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's 4th Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's 3rd Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.
Murphy's 1st Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and add 3 independent of the units of time.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws: Murphy was an optimist.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
If Old McDonald had a computer, would it use Eee-aye-eee I/O?
Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more "user-friendly"... Their best approach, so far has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words "user-friendly" on the cover.
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I have a full窶敗ize map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other side said "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... they said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today", and I said "Oops."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."
I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty窶吐ive.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Death is nature's way of saying "Your table is ready."
If someone says "can't", that shows you what to do.
Nothing lives long. Only the earth and the mountains.
World War is the second worst activity of mankind, the worst being acquiescence in slavery.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make them my friends?
All the inspiration I ever needed was a phone call from a producer.
A business exists because the consumer is willing to pay you his money. You run a business to satisfy the consumer. That isn't marketing. That goes way beyond marketing.
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
All men are forced into one of two categories: those with eleven fingers and those without.
All there is to writing is having ideas. To learn to write is to learn to have ideas.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.
Nothing of any importance can be taught. It can only be learned, and with blood and sweat.
All wars are fought for the sake of getting money.
A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age.
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them quite so much.
A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence. Then success is sure.
A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.
An executive: a man who can make quick decisions and is sometimes right.
186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
A good plan implemented today is better than a perfect plan implemented tomorrow.
A competitive world has two possibilities for you. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.
After a certain point money is meaningless. It ceases to be the goal. The game is what counts.
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in the newspaper.
All the trouble in the world is due to the fact that man cannot sit still in a room.
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.
A career is a job that has gone on too long.
Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to market it.
Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century.
An inventor fails 999 times, and if he succeeds once, he's in. He treats his failures simply as practice shots.
A man doesn't begin to attain wisdom until he recognizes that he is no longer indispensable.
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
An economist is a person who, when he finds something that works in practice, wonders if it will work in history.
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it ways its tail it knocks over a chair.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
All editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
Apple: Typically, a device used to seduce men - usually equipped with display screens and/or worms.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A king's castle is his home.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
!retupmoc siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
Alcohol didn't cause the high crime rates of the '20s and '30s, Prohibition did. And drugs do not cause today's alarming crime rates, but drug prohibition does.
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.
A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.
As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.
A very high phone bill indicates that your child is spending hours communicating with other computer users via modem - not necessarily an illegal activity. It's the very low phone bills that you should watch for.
An author ought to write for the youth of his generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmasters of ever afterwards.
Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but which we didn't.
"I think, Pooh," said Christopher Robin, "that we ought to eat all of our provisions, so that we have less to carry."
A person of genius should marry a person of character. Genius does not herd with genius.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.
There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group. There is less competition there.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety窶渡ine per cent perspiration.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
Math is like love - a simple idea but it can get complicated.
Wait, stop the world, I'll step off.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still...
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.
I don't mind going nowhere as long it's an interesting path.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only time you must not fail is the last time you try.
The most important things in life aren't things.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Middle age is when It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Minnesota: One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Surfing the Internet finally allows me to read a good book...
Some years ago we had slow computers and time enough to drink a lot of coffee. Today we have the Internet and once more time enough for coffee. I think, Bill Gates should buy coffee plants...
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
On the box it was written: "Requires Windows 95 or better", so I bought a Macintosh.
Mom says Apples are good for me.
I've been known to scrub toilets, but I don't do Windows.
DOS Human Interface Guidelines (part I, II and III): A new line will be added to the bottom of the screen.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." Tech Support: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Apple is a company, but Macintosh is a community.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
Sometimes you just have to do something bad, just to know your alive.
God did not create the world in seven days. He screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in by body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Wise men think without talking. Fools talk without thinking.
The best way to get ahead is to have one.
Do what you can with what you have where you are.
We are not a democracy unless we have educated people who can think.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
By making things absolutely clear, people will become confused.
Nothing is lost until you begin to look for it.
Reality is the leading cause of stress.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
Don't let the sand get into your teeth. My dentist hates it.
My shoe is on fire.
Once, I was alive. Then, I died.
Deny everything.
Need money for beer-research! (Hey, at least I'm honest!)
America Online: a major supplier of free disks to those who do not pay money to them.
Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...
Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.
Famous Last Words: It's perfectly safe. Let me show you.
Then we have to assume it didn't work...
If Bill Clinton is the answer, then it must be a very stupid question.
Hex math would be easier if I had 16 fingers.
Gentlemen, start your flamethrowers.
Butthead, Butthead! Come quick! Bare ass on TV!
Picard: "Fire at Will!" Riker: "Hey, what did I do this time?"
thump... thump... thump... Is this thing on...?
All I ever wanted was to have what other people have.
P200 + Windows '95 = Maserati with the parking brake on.
The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
User: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot".
Waking up the NSA watchers: SIGINT BALLISTIC TELSAT KGB GRU LIBYA SAM ATTACK GRAIL IRA PLASTIQUE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER LUMINOSO TRAINING BGS GRANATWERFER
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the "Send" button.
Eight out of every five people are math illiterates.
Women's breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the fathers who wind up playin' with them.
Football combines two of the worst aspects of American life: violence and committee meetings.
The number of the beast is not 666. The number is 95, and he is awake!
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
The only reason your brain is bigger than your nostril is to stop it falling out.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Dad, not in a screaming panic.... like his passengers.
If the auto industry were like the computer industry, a car would now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time would explode, killing all passengers.
Bananas are my favorite vegetable because they have no bones.
You're not putting that Information Superhighway through my front room!
If you can't find the bug you are looking for, there are 3 possibilities: (1) You're looking for the wrong bug, (2) You're looking in the wrong place, or (3) You're (temporarily) blind.
People who think MS-DOS and Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating "This mind intentionally left blank".
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?".
If we knew what the hell we were doing, it wouldn't be research...
You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. If you resist, you will be punished. Have a nice day.
When cows laugh really hard, does milk come out their nose?
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that are not.
Reincarnation: life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again.
Sure you can get aids from a mosquito - if you have unprotected anal sex with one!
Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was alone...
F U cn rd dis U mst uz Unix.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights.
I support drug testing. I believe every public official should be given a shot of sodium pentathol and asked "Which laws have you broken this week?".
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
This sentence no verb. This sentence short. This signature done.
I think I've got the hang of it now... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c helpexit ?Quit ?q ^Kx /QY sync halt
I know how to spell banana, I just don't know when to stop.
Anarchy - It's not a law, it's just a good idea.
A host is a host from coast to coast and no one will talk to a host that's close unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung or dead.
This is an Uzi. This is an Uzi on full auto. Any questions?
VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Don't let studying get in the way of a good education.
God created a few perfect people, the rest is righthanded.
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
Life is what happens when you are busy elsewhere.
I am the boss in this house, but I have got my wife's permission to say so!!!
There is one thing a professor can be absolutely certain of: almost every student entering the university believes, or says he believes, that truth is relative.
Birdy birdy in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye, I didn't weeped, I didn't cry, I just thank God cows can't fly!
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
The USA have: Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Stevey Wonder, Bob Hope The Dutch have: Wim Kok, No Cash, No Wonder, No Hope.
In the beginning there was nothing... then even *that* exploded!
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Software Engineering is programming in spite of the fact that you can't.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers.
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. And the realist adjusts the sails.
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
You can run all your life, but not go anywhere.
You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily, and lie about your age.
RTFM: Read the f窶ｦ manual!
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
When you switch off the light, where do all the photons go?
MOTOROLA: 68000 - life starts 68020 - its getting funny 68030 - Man, I'm pretty cool 68040 - Life's great 68060 - XTC PowerPC - Call me GOD
I tried to live without sex and drugs. It was the hardest hour of my whole life...
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Some call it Windows, others the longest batch file of the world.
Air Conditioned Environment - Do not open Windows!
Don't let your incompetence superceed your intelligence.
Sometimes it's logical to be illogical.
If you encounter a difficult task, give it to someone lazy. They'll find an easier way to do it!
Put it back in the horse!
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
An Apple a day, keeps Windows away.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
Beer is good food.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill) Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. (His reply)
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Xerox your life! It's nice to have a copy!
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Why do most people refer to the immigration policy when they talk about "overcrowding" instead of birth control?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse...
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
Vacation means there is twice as much work when coming back.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The whole is simpler than the sum of its parts - if it is whole.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The secret of the universe is @*&ﾂｰ!"ﾂｧ^#+ NO CARRIER
The most beautiful things in the world are those from which all excess weight has been removed.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
The best automobile safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it.
Please return stewardess to original upright position...
Our task in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits.
Nowadays we would first land a CNN crew, put up a COLOR camera and ask Mr. Armstrong to come outside and make a jump for mankind...
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
It's not easy being green.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Imagine a day when schools get all the money they need for computers and the US Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber?
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem.
If I could explain it, I wouldn't be able to do it.
I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Drive defensivly - buy a tank.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
Brain: the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Beware of all enterprises that require fancy clothes!
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugliness goes to the bone.
Assassins do it from behind.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two watches is never sure...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
The road to success is always under construction.
Life is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
You don't have to be mad to be a programmer. But if you are - it helps.
To iterate is human. To recurse, divine.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
This time it will surely run.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE.
Life is too short for long for-loops!
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I just found the last bug...
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
God is REAL... unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
From the programmer's point of view the user is just a peripheral that types when you issue a read request.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Your brain knows a hell of a lot more about networking than you do.
The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you...
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremly large values of 2.
My computer isn't that nervous... it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer is below sea level, but it is not wet...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
It said "Insert Disk #3", but only two will fit!
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
If a train-station is where a train stops, so what is a workstation?
Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Computers are only human.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Printers generate errors. Errors you've never seen on screen suddenly appear on paper.
Error: No Keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Will Micro$oft go bankrupt in 1901 because of the Year 2000 Problem?
This Virus requires Microsoft Windows...
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Why do you drink American beer? - I'm a masochist.
To be is to do (Sartre) To do is to be (Casmus) Do be do be do (Sinatra)
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Wow... short runway... but just look how WIDE it is!!!
Without time everything would happen at once!
With a calendar your days are numbered!
Windows: A 80486 to 80286 conversion kit.
Windows IS NOT a virus...viruses do something.
Windows - the 8MB Solitaire game!
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?
Where ever you go, there you are.
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
When dating a homeless girl you can drop her off anywhere.
What part of the word NO do you not understand?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE CRITICISM???????
What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
Welcome to hell - here's your copy of Windows.
We DON'T care. We don't HAVE to. We're the phone company.
If your chute doesn't open, your next jump is free!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you can't make it perfect make it big.
If you believe THAT, I have a BRIDGE for sale.
if u cn rd ths u cn bcm a c prgmr!
If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
If it works, rip it apart and find out why!
If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL.
If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk?
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If a woman won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
Idiot-proofing assumes a finite number of idiots.
I'm out of my mind just now, but please leave a message.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
I'm flexible... just don't change anything.
I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar!
I'm another road kill on the Information Superhighway.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'd love to, but I left my body in my other clothes.
I want it all or nothing. Or maybe some.
I put BUGS=OFF in CONFIG.SYS and now Windows won't load!
I finally found the ANY key!
I em a wuunderfull spelur. I tipe vari gud two.
I dont nead no speling cheker!
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!
I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
How many babies can a motherboard have?
Hot Tip #5: The light at the end of a tunnel is a train.
Hit any user to continue.
File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.
Feet smell? Nose runs? You're built upside down!
ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo
Don't use commas, which, aren't necessary.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't open the darkroom door. It lets all the dark out.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
Do Quarter Horses have only one leg?
Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion.
Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail.
Confuse people... Quote from the WRONG message!
Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible.
Can I run Stacker on my Visa?
Caffeine - the ultimate debugging tool.
Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?!
But, boss, this IS part of my job!
But why spend $2,000.00 just to run Windows?
But I thought YOU did the backups...
But I DID read the manual...
Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...!
Best file compression around: DEL *.* - 100% compressed.
Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization!
At nude weddings everybody can see the best man!
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT
And remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo.
And now for something completely different!
Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family."
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
A wise man once said... I don't know.
A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope".
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
A European swallow, or an African swallow...?
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.
A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual.
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
...and that is how we know the Earth is banana-shaped.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)UAKE?
Speed Kills. Use Microsoft Windows.
Remember the rule. Shoot if you don't understand it.
Push to test... Release to detonate...
Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows!
Not tonight honey. I have a modem.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
...by trial and re-boot
But it worked in beta testing...
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY
Character: what you are in the dark.
Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions
Windows: The CP/M of the future!
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
What I like about MS is its loyalty to customers!
Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:¥>
Speed Kills - Use Windows!
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B. Gates
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Turn your 486 into an XT -- just add Windows!
The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
If you can't make it good, make it big.
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
Assumption is the mother of all screwups.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
As I said before, I NEVER repeat myself.
The road to success is always under construction.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Difference between a virus & Windows? Viruses never fail.
And God said: E = ﾂｴmvﾋ - Zeﾋ/r, and there was light!
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
Once I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
Don't eat yellow snow!
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Unable to locate coffee -- Operator halted!
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Too many errors on one line (make fewer).
Nid yw Cymru ar werth!
Last time I was stoned, I tried to eat an airport.
The more it stays the same, the less it changes.
When you're a god, you don't have to have reasons.
Cyberspace is where you are when you're on the telephone.
What's blue and square? An orange in disguise...
No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either.
Don't give up, push a pawn
Ding a ding-dang my dang-a-long ling-long
I've come a long way since I've believed in anything
I... I believe in love
If she doesn't scare ya, no evil thing will...
And where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it
Delicious and nutritious, tastes like chicken!
My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes
Wake up, the whole world's gone...
Virginity can be cured.
This town needs an enema.
People are blinky
Never eat more than you can lift.
Oh, no, not again.
Vacuum packed for freshness.
The wind is plowed and sometimes sturgeon.
The wind is loud and sometimes pungent.
If you're so special, why aren't you dead?
I am feeling so grey today...
Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy?
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Don't eat yellow snow.
I hate myself to sleep at night
My moral standing is lying down.
I just walk right through the door...
I know the road, I know where it goes; that's why I'm going so slow...
I live like this 'cuz I like it; I've seen too much to pretend
What poor gods we do make.
Watch me as I swing my hips... around.
This is my steakhouse.
There's someone in my head, but it's not me
Specialization is for insects.
I'll be back.
Mars needs women.
I'm the one from the registry office.
SLACK: Get it while you can.
Don't have a cow, man.
We don't morally censure you. We just want the money.
I admit that I am powerless over fish innards.
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Spacetime isn't curved, it's positively bent.
The best teddy bears are the live kind.
Drive defensively; buy a tank.
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
People humiliating a salami!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
It's a PC, it's got an excuse.
Darwin's Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking.
If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete.
It's later than you think.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Quack!
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
Everybody is equal here. It's just some people are more equal than others.
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Chill out... everything's under control...
Cut the conversation, just open your mouth
I know your secret.
He who laughs, lasts.
No matter where you go... there you are.
The following statement is not true:
The future ain't what it used to be.
Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever.
Everybody ought to have a friend.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
The early worm gets the bird.
I've seen the future and I leave it all behind
We come in peace... shoot to kill...
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Art is dangerous
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Wonders never cease, as long as you never cease to wonder.
The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man confines himself within ancient limits.
Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes on the floor.
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
Moderation is for monks.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Eek!
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
That's what she said.
I'm sorry, did I assassinate your penguin?
How untasteful can you get?
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from the trouble and pain...
All men are created unequal.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Don't panic.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.
Sure I believe in peace. Peace through superior firepower.
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Mmm. I forgot about that.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
I will never lie to you.
Bored people are boring people.
Be excellent to each other
Everything you know is wrong!
I haven't lost my mind; it's back up on tape somewhere.
This side up.
Use no hooks.
See side panel for exciting recipe ideas.
Use only as directed.
If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower.
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
Express yourself through supreme bovinity.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
I came, I saw, she conquered.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Let's all get together and throw flingbobs
'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Please go away.
Above all things, revere yourself.
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
There is no time like the pleasant.
My, don't we all look _smashing_ in red.
Why is the cheese moving?
Always store beer in a dark place.
You took my breath away and now I want it back.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
Maximum capacity eight persons.
You can't be late until you show up.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Never give an inch!
If you do that you have a chance of dying
Dare to be stupid.
If opportunity knocks, go to bed with your pants on.
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
A small mind is a tidy mind.
Ack!!
Sarcasm is a sign of genius.
Do you ever get feelings of Deja Vu?
Vegetables are murder.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
Weather's here, wish you were beautiful.
Question reality.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Strike any user to continue.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost.
No matter how bad it is, there's always worse.
No matter how good it is, there's always better.
Hellllllooooooooo, Nurse!
Believe nothing, dare all.
Convictions cause convicts.
This statement is false.
Semper Non Sequitur!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.
Dating processes are dependent on the analysis of rocks.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I hear music!
Today is an excellent day to become a missing person.
Lions: 5, Christians: 0.
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning.
Yield to oncoming traffic.
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Bite me, it's fun.
I hate prejudiced people.
Some girls are bigger than others.
DON'T call me dude, dude.
Um. No. It's not mayonnaise.
La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la!
My father was a good woman.
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
Change your mind, it's starting to smell.
Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth.
MITCHELL! Even his name says, "Uh, is that a beer?"
